"Mom Boobs"

"Mom Boobs"

Danae

Breastfeeding: Easier said than done. 

I have two kids, and let me say that for something that is supposed to be "natural" it is something that requires a lot of work and patience. It can also be pretty painful. 

My first kid was harder than the second. He would not cooperate! I don't think either of us knew what the hell we were doing. My nipples were seriously bleeding and leaking all the time. I was walking around not even noticing the wet spots that went all the way down to my waist. It went through the bra and the "pads" AND my shirt. So, naturally, there just had to be an audience to see me in one of the most embarassing moments of my life. It was just horrible. 

I did give it a good try for about 3 months before calling it quits, though. I emulated the barefoot fat hag look for a while. 

Anyway, when I had my second kid I was so nervous I almost didn't try. She was in the NICU, so I guess I felt like that was the only way I could really feel like her mother at the time. I had to pump at first because I wasn't allowed to hold her yet. I ended up breast-feeding her for about 13 months.

 It was really hard having another older child who waited until I was feeding the baby to get into something. Or pee in the living room. I spent a lot of time searching for poop in between breast-feeding sessions, and almost never slept. 

At least there were no bottles to wash. That was really nice. I hated that about formula feeding. Also, she never spit up. Spit up is really gross, and formula fed babies do it a lot. Way more than you would think. As a new mom, I was always surprised at how many baby fluids could end up on one shirt. I probably smelled like shit all the time. 

So a lot of people are afraid of ruining their boobs, and they choose not to breastfeed. Whatever. Make any choice you'd like, but I know a lot of moms who did, and a lot who didn't breastfeed. Guess what? No matter what you do, your boobs fill with milk and get really big and hard, and it hurts really bad. And either way, when that milk is gone, what you are left with is something called, "mom boobs."

Let me tell you something about "mom boobs." They are like bags of what your boobs used to be that were beat to death and now have no bounce, or ooomphf, as I like to call it. In a bra, they might decieve you into believing that there is no such thing as "mom boobs," but since they have no life left in them, and if you can afford a nice bra, they will just take the desired shape you are looking for. I guess you could look at that as the silver lining. 

So whatever choice you made, or decide to make, that's probably not a good way to choose what to do. 

Now onto my embarrassing "mom boobs" story. I was taking a shower with my 3 year old daughter who happily exclaimed, "Mommy, my butt like yours?!"

Okay, a little weird, but I reluctantly replied, "Yes."

Next, she said, "My boobs like yours?"

So at this point, its time to say NOTE TO SELF: YOUR KID IS TOO OLD TO SHOWER WITH YOU.

Well, I just said yes. I didn't really know what to say. My kids really catch me off guard sometimes. Then, she innocently says the most horrible thing a child can say about their insecure mothers boobs. She said, "Your boobs floopy."

Wildly accurate, but a big kick to my ego. I just didn't know how to react and I burst out in laughter. 

Well, it's official. I have "mom boobs." 

Thats okay, though. Its worth it. I'd have more kids, even if it meant my boobs would be completely ruined for the rest of my life. Kids are more awesome than a great pair of tits anyway.